#I want to love this game so badddd

[plate-armoredpangolin]

Time to start my 5th(?) rouge trader playthrough!

I have never ended one!

The farthest I’ve gotten is Yrliet!

Primarily because the class system feels wack and I don’t like the UI!

I don’t hate the game and actually want to play it but it just gets painful!

Help!

[articskele]

Thinking about....... Sun Onceler.........

[finnzcorner]

Hear me out-

Transfem Ranchers, in crochet outfits- that Jimmy made cause I headcanon that it's one of their talents :>

I blame @sincerely-nines for my hyperfixation of ranchers :']

[crossbackpoke-check]

inspired by @colap1nto <3 and posting here to hold myself accountable: writevember! attempting to write something every day no matter how much and what it is

i am however inventing stipulations for myself so i cannot weasel my way out of it, which includes a valid definition of “write”:

actively put words into a document in the form of a proper fic!!! too many wip not enough hands!!

poems (actually laughed at me coming up with this but maybe i will go back to my roots)

research/meta/primers

tag stories are permissible IF i actually compile and edit them into a readable document that day

editing to post to ao3 (the optimism) is also valid. it takes me so long

i do have concrete arbitrary deadlines for one and a half fics that i would LOVE to finish and post in november (dewey^2 and [redacted :)]) so i’m hoping this helps!! also, this is secretly just a sticker chart where i get to put down emojis for each fic i worked on and check off boxes but a win is a win

day 1: 🪻🐈‍⬛

day 2: 😇🤭 (🕒 -> 🕜)

day 3: 🫃2️⃣

day 4: 🍎

day 5: 🫃2️⃣

day 6: 📑, 💌

day 7: 🫃2️⃣ AND ☁️💧. who is she

[threadrunner]

lord shaxx takes me out back and beats me unconscious with a broom and tells me to go play competitive and get a Rose

[jellophoid]

their heat actions are so so so cool wtf

[lapandablasee]

bought rpg maker mv on a whim but now i have too many ideas and too little time teehee

[bonfire-beret]

And then there were two.

[avxtarlz]

Real or Not Real? || Tom Blyth x Actress Reader ||

Summary: Y/n and Tom Have been seen Dining and Traveling together since Their Upcoming RomCom movie. They have been alittle to close to each other lately and People on the internet are speculating If they are just Together or not.

(Idk I’m just running out of ideas 🥲)

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Y/nUsername and tomblyth just Posted on their Story

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Liked by 56,735 and others

Y/nTomSources Y/n Y/l/n and Tom Blyth seen at the airport At the Location where they are Filming Their New Romcom Movie.

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User1: can’t wait for their new Movie

User2: They are Traveling to visit me guys 😜

User3: Her just getting off the plane and yet still being Pretty 😍

User4: WHEN WAS THIS?!

User5: He’s soooooo

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Liked by TomblythUpdates and others

Y/nUpdates Tom and Y/n seen dining together with Friends As they just Arrived to film their Upcoming movie.

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User6: I just love how she always wears her Headphones Anytime.

^ User7: The fact she wears it like an aesthetic 😩

User8: She’s so pretty!!!!

User9: Are they both the Main People for the film?

^ User10: yes!

User11: Ship them so badddd

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Liked by tomblyth and rachelzegler and others

Y/nUsername Had to make a Pitt stop 😜. If evil why hot? Snow lands on top. @tomblyth

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User12: UMM HELLO? THE CAPTION?!

User13: THE FIRST PICTURE 😧

User14: Pulling my hair rn.

User15: Y/n casually watching Hunger Games While coryo snow AKA Tom Blyth is sitting right next to her. 😭

User16: They have to be dating there’s just no way.

Rachelzegler: why was I not invited.

^ Y/nusername: I only wanted to watch the movie just to see you 😜

tomblyth: You can finish the last sentence 🤔

^ User17: Everyone knows.

User16: HIS COMMENT LMAO

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Liked by Y/nUsername and tomblyth and 98,268 others

Movieupdates New looks at M/N Starring Y/n Y/l/n and Tom Blyth

Comments are Turned off

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Like by Y/nUsername and Rachelzegler and others

tomblyth Everything slows down when I’m with her 💕

User17: Their so cuteeee

User18: Is it comfirmed?!

User19: Got to be dating like 😀

Y/nUsername: ❤️

User20: Her reply 🥲

User21: Bird is a paid actor

User22: Last picture 😭

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Liked by TomUpdates and Y/l/sources and others

Newsflashsources Actors Tom Blyth And Y/N Y/L/N caught Together In public By Paparazzi.

Comments turned off

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[yuzurins]

streamer!suna x streamer!reader - this was so self indulgent and badly written in my notes app but it’s ok i want to be back here bc tumblr is fun haha

“me? and y/n?” suna scoffed, face showing no hint of reaction. “now that’s too much, you guys are overthinking it.”

he mumbled, deep in concentration, as his eyes darted back and forth from his game to the rapidly moving chat screen.

**h789: don’t act like we didn’t see you build a whole house for her!!!

**n.m**y: you literally got her a whole tank of axolotls THOSE THINGS TAKE SO MUCH TIME TO GET

su**: the flowers MAN the flowers 😞

**be*17***: and the list goes on…

suna rolled his eyes and let out a small laugh. “were you guys here when i literally blew the house down and kidnapped all the axolotls?? it was an elaborate plan to prank her and make her scared of course.”

miya**sam**: shut up bro😭

mk**j1*: 🫢🫢🫢

g****0a: SUNA THE BIG FAT BULLY

su**: he’s bullying her bc he likes her

miya**sam**: ewww how sadistic of him

uu**720**n*: IT TAKES TWO??? HELLO???

luvv**esu***0: nah guys he’s dating me why would he be with y/n

k*tss**k: imagine being delulu

**h789: my bae yn too good for him she’s thousands times better than u

a look of disgust crosses his face.

luvv**esu***0: stop he just doesn’t know it yet!!

su**: just stop it’s so embarrassing t-t

h**y*vs*: are you sure guys

h**y*vs*: feels like sunarin wouldn’t be that mean to his girlfriend :(

“no literally, i hate her guts.” he paused the game he was currently playing, opened up a new tab and searched up “sunarin being mean to y/n”

scrolling down the long page of search results, he stared at the camera with a face that screams “told you so” and laughed.

“chat, you guys can fantasize all you want, but just know that there’s tons of evidence online that can prove you all wrong in less than a second, so it’s just funny seeing you all believe that me and her are actually dating-“

now as if on cue, you burst into the room in your pajamas and dashed over to the boy sitting by the computer.

suna flinched and turned around immediately, panic starting to overcome his face. “what the-“

“RINNNN PLEASE PLEASE PLEAAAASEEEE CAN WE GET A CAT I REALLY WANT A CAT SO BADDDD I PROMISE ILL TAKE CARE OF IT AND CLEAN UP ALL OF ITS POOP I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLYYY JUST WANT A CAT ITS BEEN MY DREAM ALL MY LIFE!!!!!” you blabbered nonstop as you clung onto his arm, not giving suna a chance to interrupt you at all.

“y/n what are you talking about i’m kinda streaming right now-“

“IF YOURE SCARED ILL STOP LOVING YOU AFTER WE GET THE CAT I WONT I PROMISE I REALLY DO SO Please don’t say—” seeing the look on his face, you turned around to see the thousands of people spamming the chat, finally realizing what he was trying to tell you and shrunk down in disbelief. “no….”

miya**sam**: told you so

miya**sam**: hi y/n!! 🤣

su**: OMG

mk**j1*: NEOJDDIJDJC NO WAYYY

**h789: SHES ADORABLE I LOVE YN

g****0a: STRIMMER EXPOSED

atsu**b*****: LOLOLOL

suna immediately turns his webcam and microphone off.

your boyfriend scowls as you give him an innocent smile.

uh oh, busted.

[magmythedevil]

Envy shippers are forgetting something, and thats kinda of connected to misogyny.

..........

Just warning before i start that i will be talking negativily about N a litte bit in this post, even If a love him very much, Its necessary lollll.

Also Please dont think this post is some form of hate against V or envy. Its a post about the way >some< NxV shippers treat Uzi and their double standards.

........

So, i saw that *one* group of people making jokes about Uzi dying/N killing Uzi so N can be with V again and after some time thinking i realized that those jokes are kinda of connected to how they think that "Uzi stole N from V" or "V deserves N more than Uzi does"

And thats make me think: why, them, as an envy shippers, chooses to throw their hatred at Uzi especifically? Why is the Idea of Uzi, the young girl who did >>nothing<<< to deserve what shes going through, dying so satisfing to them? Even If Its a "joke"?

And i guess i know the answer, they think V deserves N more, they are the one that deserve to be end-game, because they have a tragic love story, they had a spark and becuse they have known each other for way longer and all that stuff, right?

But I guess, them, yes, the one who love V and N as a duo and as a couple, are forgeting something important in this equation: N himself

If they want to blame someone for envy not working in the present time that much, N is the one they should be hating on (and V too tbh) not Uzi, Uzi is just having feelings.

N is the one that choosed to prioritize and protect a random purple worker girl he just met.

N is the one that choosed to change sides and fight against his own damn crush to protect the people of a random worker girl he just met.

he is the one that choosed to stop to act on his crush on V once he met Uzi, the random worker girl. (Srs, not even a single sigh of it since episode 2)

He is the one that choosed to keep holding Uzi's hand (and embrance It harder, when she was the one to ask him to let It go) while blushing at her on that hallway in front of everyone.

He is the one that randomly got her to have a dance with him in that prom fight.

He is the one that felt extremely bad of the Idea of Uzi being scared of him, yes, the random worker he just met.

He was the one to get angry at V for not respecting Uzi and say to her face "what is wrong with you?"

He is the one that ins't afraid to be all cozy with her in public (cabin fever is here as proof)

He was the one that, even after reexperiencing the thing he had with V in the past again, was happy to see Uzi instead of being nervous about it, when even V was embarassed.

Uzi never did anything, thats just a Uzi they created in their minds. wich ins't that surprising since they all dont even like to rewatch most of the show anyways (N and Uzi's interactions are too much for them to handle)

The worst thing she has done was being agressive to V, but mind you, thats bc V was treating her way worse when Uzi even considered her a friend.

>>N<< was the one that, accidently or not, made most of (If not all) his romantic moments with Uzi real.

But they wont talk about his position in this triangle right? Its just Uzi, Uzi this, Uzi that, Uzi is always the villian here.

Because N is the perfect boy who ins't capable of understanding love outside of his thing with V, right?

""N would never feel something like that for Uzi!!! Hes clearly being peer pressured by her!!""

"""the writing is sooo badddd!!! N would never do this ugggfhh""

""weirdo vickers, fix you damn show""

And..... you know what that sorta looks like...right? Yes, misogyny . Because they choose to hate on and make weird jokes about Uzi, the woman, when N, the man, had a bigger role with his romantic thing with Uzi than she did. And If they hate nxuzi so much, they should be hating on N too, but i know they wont.

For the people who hate to see N "being babied" they sure dont like to talk much about him in these things

[evelynpr]

bakugou for the character ask game?

Truly the teenage boy, shonen deuteragonist, love interest coded, gay asshole, of all time.

My first impression - Woah I did not understand why people were so into this guy. Like I get it, he's a flawed and loud pretty boy, he gets character development, and probably gay, but seriously him??? His mouth is so fucking foul and he is so up his ass. - I was meh with this character, enjoyed him in fan content, but just did not get why people were sooo into this guy.

My impression now - I cried in "Light Fades To Rain". Twice. - My god his growth...his will, his persistence, and by god his love for Izuku is so ridiculous and powerful I just cannot help but admire the little shithead. - He is also a lot more to me than I expected, with the whole "foul mouth shit", "high expectations bullshit", "violent urges", and "dedicating your whole life and love to someone you love and admire" and that...that makes me feel quite conflicted.

Favorite thing about that character - The thing about Bakugou is that...you just cannot help but wish you had the same kind of persistence, strength, will, and power that he does. I love how all this is initially so shallow and selfish, then grows to wanting to be a better and truer hero. He really learns and changes and is just an unstoppable force of nature, it's genuinely incredible and beautiful to watch.

Least favorite thing - I wished that the overall writing did go harder in making him stop bad-mouthing people and...everything so much. You can tell he did grow to respect and care for people around him more, but by gods he is sooo bad at communicating his feelings right now. (tbf, he is so fucking young and traumatized) - Also, really please stop hitting people. I get a knee-jerk reaction to that kind of physical violence sometimes ngl.

Favorite line/scene - There are so many. I already mentioned his death in "Light Fades to Rain" so I'll mention a different one - Team Bakugou in Class A vs B was so goddamn good, for being a monumental milestone of his character. How much he trusted his teammates and put himself in danger to save others, winning in the end. No injuries, no failures, truly a perfect beautiful victory. How he also pushes Deku to keep getting better afterwards in his usual constipated-ass language too. Man I just love that battle to death.

Favorite interaction that character has with another - (me pulling out scenes that aren't bkdk centered here hahaha) - I fucking LOVED the Bakugou vs Ochako fight. It made me love Ochako so so much as a kid. I really wished we had a follow-up to that battle, and it genuinely changed my life. - I love how it really shows just how focused and rational he is in battle. How he truly respects his opponents, Ochako in this case, and the sports festival really establishes so much about him.

A character that I wish that character would interact with more - Speaking of which...OCHAKO VS BAKUGO 2 COME ONNNN - There is SO MUCH these two need to talk about. How to save people, who they want to save, who saved them, never underestimating each other, how they changed and grew. I just love these two characters to bits, that's why I need them to FIGHT AND TALK SO BADDDD - Additional: Also Toga (see my post on Toga right before this one lmao), Shoto (because I still don't really get their friendship but its hilarious, and I love Shoto)

Another character from another fandom that reminds me of that character - I legit cannot think of anything here...like for Toga...I am so sorry my brain is blanking T__T - It's hard to be a massive anger-issue filled, victory-focused, die for their lover (twice), amazing chef, all at once, kinda guy...you know?

A headcanon about that character - I am a believer in trans!fem Bakugo in the future. He's so ridiculously angry for some reason, voice always cracking, and just on-edge for some reason. Idk I just think its hilarious and satisfying if he transed his gender in the future and became happier and more comfortable.

A song that reminds of that character - I also have a Bkdk playlist in the making! Here's some bkg focused songs in character development order: - Boys will be Bugs, President Perfect, Top of my School, Oh No!, I'm Gonna Win, The Last of the Real Ones, Skyfall, Die For You, Set Fire to the Rain

An unpopular opinion about that character - Like Toga, he actually isn't possessive. I think he quite well understands and accepts that Izuku is a very loving person that many people are easily drawn to (I mean, he'd be a hypocrite if he didn't understand that). - He is protective instead of possessive. He keeps an eye out for anything and anyone who could possibly actually hurt Izuku, but he doesn't hold him back at all in hanging around with others, and when other people fall for Izuku either. - He is actually quite skinny, and doesn't have the big thick buff guy build. Those go to Izuku and Iida more imo.

Favorite picture - I never really thought of this much??? I love art of him being softer, more solemn, quiet and contemplative even. I guess I'll go pick out some favs right now...

Here they are! Hope you enjoy the post lmao

[morgy-doo]

THE OWL HOUSE RELATIONSHIP HEADCANNONS~

Luz noceda~

has 100% made you read all of the azura books ATLEAST once

has started teaching you spanish because she thought it would be cute if you two had your own cute lil conversations without over people over hearing

always pestering amity on relationship advice

the owl house is basically your second home by now

hooty can never leave you both alone for more than 5 minutes when your with each other

tries to hide whats going on with belos from you but you figure it out pretty quick because she is a BADDDD liar

she just doesn't want you to worry <3

AMAZING at cheering you up, honestly she would throw herself off a cliff just to hear you do that little cry laugh thing

Amity blight~

she is constantly worrying she is not good enough for you

please give this poor girl some love and reassurance

based on the past person she was she is terrified that one day you will realise there are better people and will never speak to her again

even if your not in the track, abomination magic has become a big part of your life

sometimes at school she gets an abomination to follow you around and carry your bags and stuff when she is not avaliable

she thinks its sweet and endearing

you think its terrifying but don't have the heart to tell her

literally gulps down your praise

"you really think i did good?"

she is so proud of herself after that

she cares about you SM

lucky bitch

your safety always becomes before hers and sometimes she forgets to do certain things for herself because she is to occupied with worrying about you

Willow park~

loves gardening with you

honestly you were clueless about how to diffrentiate (did i spell that right?) different types of trees

but ever since dating her you know the label and scientific name of ever plant that's ever grown

good for you boo <3

always is slightly self concious around you

always trying to smooth down her hair

but DAMN this girl is STRICT

if you play a sport or any type of activity that involves potential injury, you better expect her to be wrapping you in bubble wrap the moment you leave that field

if you were trying to impress her with your skills and get hurt, she will scold you the entire time she is fixing your injury, but secretly finds it cute

she will find simple little things to brighten your day like leaving cute little potted plants on your desk before class

Gus porter~

THE MOST supportive boyfriend to ever grace this earth

you wanna try something new? go ahead he will be excited to hear how you liked it

you wanna try out a new sport? he will be cheering you on at every practice and game in the stands

definately owns one of those shirts that say "i love my bf/gf"

tries so hard to impress you

he wants to be the perfect boyfriend for you so if you show interest in the slightest thing then boom you own a whole collection of items related to that interest and he has learnt everything there is to know about it off witchapedia

loves watching you use your magic

it interests him

learns so many different jokes just to make you laugh and smile everyday

Boscha (i only just realised she doesn't have a last name)~

oh god how do i even start this

can be super clingy one minute, but then acts as if she is used to the attention from you and couldn't care less

she takes it upon herself to be your protector

even if its from a potential splinter

BIG on pet names

babe,baby,darling,sweetheart, yk

"heh did you see that babe? i totally just saved you from that rogue grudgby ball"

speaking of grudgby, as cliche as it sounds she has bought you a jersey that has her name on it for when she plays grudgby

honestly dies of happiness when she hears you shout "that's my girlfriend!"

always lends you her jacket when your cold, even when she is freezing herself she is way to stubborn to take it back

or she just lets you wear it around the school hallways so everyone knows the coolest girl in school is your girlfriend

when she is ruling hexside, she keeps an eye on you, no matter where you are in the room, her third eye is always on you

she is terrified she is going to lose you like she did the others

lets you sit on her lap when she is on the throne

can you tell she is my favourite?

Hunter deamonne~

he is literally the definition of acts of service

the biggest gentlemen ever

holds open every door, pulls out your chairs for you, literally he could be your slave

gets red VERY easily

when you give him praise he practically melts

found it hard to open up to you about his past but when he does he feels a huge relief

now he tells you literally everything

you totally gossip together all the time

he loves training with you, it's never serious and he can see your magic in action

you are honestly his everything

he loves playing with your hair too

is honestly so good at doing hair, he has learnt how to get the perfect rounded bun

loves you more than life itself

part two? <3

[rinignis]

saw a tiktok comparing Catelyn Stark to Alicent Hightower (ss dow below) and since this is such a brain dead take I felt the need to write this out.

First of all, calling Peytr Catelyns lover is so fucking disgusting. Catelyn has never EVER looked at petyr with anything other than brotherly affection. They played "kissing games" as children but Cat was quick to end them whereas Lysa kept playing them with him. In fact, when he tried to kiss her again after she was betrothed to Brandon Stark she pushed him away laughing...LAUGHING GUYS. When brandon died, petyr sent her a letter and burnt the fuck out of it and went on to marry ned stark and eventually fall in love with him. do not ever call catelyn and peytr lovers smh.

Second of all, Catelyn was not particularly angry at ned for having an affair and producing a bastard, she was angry that she brought jon into her new home to raise as she saw that as a threat to her children and grandchildrens inheritance. Catelyn had an actual valid reason to fear her husbands supposed bastard. Catelyn lived in the aftermath of the blackfyre rebellions and her society could still feel the after affects of bastard siblings rising up to take claim to their trueborn siblings inheritances. Alicent however???? she just straight up hated bastards and hated Rhaenyra. It wouldnt have mattered is Rhaenyras kids were bastards as their claim comes through her. Alicent had no valid reason to hate Rhaenyras children as Rhaenyra was heir to the throne, Alicents children had no claim in the eyes of the Iron Throne because Viserys had chosen his heir.

Also, dont compare Catelyns mothering to Alicent. In peace times, Alicent set her 13 year old daughter with her creepy rapist son because she so badly wanted to overthrow Rhaenyra. She may have loved her children in her own way, but alicent most definitely saw her children as a way to gain more power. Catelyn, on the other hand, was a loving mother who did all she could to protect her children. Catelyn was constantly looking for ways to save her daughters. She fought off an assassian that was after bran. She does all she can to support and aid robb as a king going through a war. Hell man, her very last act (before getting resurrected) is to try to barter for robbs' life, and death doesn't even stop this woman. She puppets her fucking corpse around to get vengance for her children, one of these women was a better mother and let me tell you it was not alicent fucking hightower.

I've linked the og tiktok so you can have even more context but this shit pissed me off badddd.

[fruitbasketball]

wnba highlights 8/17-8/18

okay so i’ve been out of it these past couple days so i’m just gonna give y’all the big games and moments and important shit

but please send in asks if i missed a game you wanted to see me cover, i’ll try to get to it 🤞🏽

new york liberty vs las vegas aces - 8/17

starting off strong with this 2023 finals rematch - LAWDDDD a’ja wilson you are a badddd woman. 24 points, 11 boards, but still could not walk away with the win.

that being said, the aces played like shit for being the aces. 37% from the field, 29% from 3 - what are we DOING bro. this is CRAZY!!!!!

i mean jackie young 1-8?? what the FUCK????

chelsea in double digits for points is a shock to me lately, but we’re here, so!!

not that the liberty as a whole played much better tho - slightly better fgp and slightly worse 3pfg BRO??? is THIS WHO WE ARE??

lord help me why is sabrina ionescu putting up 21 shots and only getting 23 points off of it. and 2 of those points were actually free throws so she got 21 on 21.

someone explain that shit to me. that math ain’t mathing.

jj with 17 REBOUNDS??? HELLO??? WHAT IN THE STAT PAD?? IS YOUR FGP THIS LOW FOR THAT PURPOSE??? fucking HELPPPP

y’all disappoint me. NEXT.

las vegas aces vs los angeles sparks

yeah i’m not here to speak on the game for this one. it was a slaughter from an efficiency perspective, i’ll say that.

i like watching the aces. they’re an entertaining team, and i feel bad from a basketball perspective that they had such a shitty start to the season.

but for aces fans to boo dearica in FRONT OF HER DAUGHTER - to act as though becky hammon is getting unfairly cancelled rather than acting as tho she committed a FEDERAL OFFENSE, which she DID…

fuckin crazy bro. you’re full of shit.

chicago sky vs phoenix mercury

the dee and angel hug at the end was everything. EVERYTHING.

but in case y’all missed the typa timing the chi town barbie been on: 19 points, 20 boards, on 8-16. play. with. ya mama.

they still lost tho don’t get me wrong, but the merc needed this after that fever loss bc bitch what the fuck.

y’all want me to be impresser that sofeet cuntingham got her first double double..? that ho been in the league for fucking ever gtfoh bro maga ass…

monique billings on a roster thank fucking god because i was boutta throw hands

anyway dee still got it like that… y’all don’t stress 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

seattle storm vs indiana fever

caitlin clark you are… something. telling the opposing bench to “stop crying” and then giggling right after is absolutely insane work. i might genuinely be terrified of that girl.

sds i love you bro if you wanna shoulder check that ho do it in game too. ain’t a damn thing. you do you baby.

aight real show of the night: LEXIE. MFKING. HULL.

don’t y’all EVER disrespect one of tara’s girls like that again. NEEEEVER. 22 points on 80%??? DO Y’ALL KNOW HOW CRAZY THAT IS??

i will say the fever played exceptionally last night (except kls, and imma ride for a husky always… but she should lowk not be starting): 3 guys over 20, 46 fgp, 3pfg at 48 so HIGHER than fgp?? some steph curry shit right there.

meanwhile in seattle, we don’t even breach 40. it’s getting to the point where i’m surprised that seattle loses a game, because what?? can someone HELP JEWELL BRO?? LORD!!! you just lost to a team that might have a lottery pick!!!

GET IT THE FUCK TOGETHER!!!

[thyfleshc0nsumed]

confession- i hate how hard it is to get used 2 penetration if yr a sa survivor. i desperately want it so badddd but basically all the advice ive been given has been 2 just keep trying n taking it slow but it suxxxxxxxxx

This is really really really really real. I have had a lot of trauma around penetration (mostly from my teenage years) and it took me a long time to get to a place where it was something I felt okay doing. For so long, any penetration, even in a safe environment with someone loving and caring would send me into extreme flashbacks. I really hear you, and I'm sorry you're so in it.

Unfortunately yeah, that advice is like what worked for me. I think for a while I had to view penetration almost selfishly. This was an activity I was doing with someone in order to provide pleasure to me, I needed the top's pleasure to derive from giving me pleasure much more than any physical pleasure related to penetrating me.

Penetration in the past was either taken from me without my consent, given to adults when I was not an appropriate age, and/or when I was too inebriated to consent. I was, in a word, merely a hole. My pleasure was not even a consideration, it was about them using my body to masturbate. So really making an intentional choice to make it about my physical pleasure was a game changer for me.

Obviously, even when im not with a total service top now, my pleasures important, but giving myself space to have that script flipped a bit was really helpful with letting me feel comfortable being penetrated in other sexual dynamics